How to accept your parents' aging?

Did you ever notice how your dad always asks you to read the fine print on labels or how your mom moves more slowly when she gets up from her chair? These little changes can catch you off guard. Your parents are growing older they were the strong individuals who taught you how to ride a bike and once carried you on their shoulders. Most of us dont want to acknowledge how painful this reality is. The call came in on a Tuesday.

In the garage my father had fallen. He only had minor cuts and a bruised hip but that day I underwent a transformation. Now the man who had constructed our treehouse with just his hands required assistance rising from the ground. I was stuck in traffic and in my emotions as I drove to their house and my heart sank. As we transition from being their children to occasionally serving as their helpers how do we handle this new chapter?

Your parents wont get younger because of this blog post. There is nothing that can. However I hope these words will guide you through the strange frightening and occasionally lovely journey of seeing your parents get older. Well discuss the difficult depressing and yes even humorous things that occur during the journey. Once your parents were also young.

My mom has a picture of herself at age 22 that she keeps on her dresser. In it she sports long hair that reaches her waist and bell-bottom jeans. She appears content and liberated as she stands beside an unknown vehicle. I try to picture the woman before she became Mom when I look at this photo. The aspirational and anxious young woman who had no idea that she would eventually have children and grandchildren.

. The lives of our parents came before ours. They experienced heartbreak stayed up too late at parties fell in love worried about money and made important decisions. They believed they would always be young because they were young. like us.

It makes it easier for us to accept our parents aging when we recognize them as complete individuals with their own histories. Question them about their childhood. These conversations can pull you closer when you might feel them drifting away. What music did they dance to? Who was their first crush?

What scared them when they were your age? My dads eyes light up when he tells me about his teenage days of working on automobiles. He is once again that young man with plans and fire not the elderly man in need of assistance changing a lightbulb at least for a short while. You dont realize how important these moments are. While the person doesnt change the body does.

In the past my mother would knit for hours on end. Her fingers moved too quickly for me to follow. After twenty minutes of knitting she must take a break. Her joints hurt and swell from the arthritis. Her smile however is the same one Ive seen all my life when she shows me the baby blanket shes making for my sisters first child.

Each of our bodies deteriorates. We pay for having more birthdays. Perhaps your dad wont hear as well. Its possible that your mom needs new glasses every year. They may take medication with every meal walk more slowly or forget names.

Your inner self may be shaken by these changes. Avoid focusing on the wrinkles and gray hair. That shifting body is inhabited by the same individual. The same father who taught you how to throw a ball. That same mom who could tell you were depressed before you even spoke.

Although their physical health may decline their hearts and souls remain unchanged. My friend Tom spends every Sunday playing chess with his father. When his dad moves the pieces his hands shake because he now has Parkinsons disease. He can take a while to initiate contact at times. He still beats Tom in the majority of games though and his mind is as sharp as ever.

I dont see the shaking anymore Tom remarks. I simply see my father who is a chess master. . We must view our parents with the same compassion. The difficult conversations we keep putting off.

We must discuss what would happen if I became ill. In between bites of her sandwich at lunch last month my mom said this. My water almost choked me. This conversation was not something I wanted to have. I wanted to discuss my recent job her garden or my dogs amusing behavior.

No not here. Never like this. But she was correct. It was necessary that we discuss it. About finances wills healthcare decisions nursing homes and all the other anxieties that accompany aging.

She wanted to express her desires to me while she was still able to do so. These discussions are depressing and moody. When your parents bring up these subjects you might want to leave the room. Dont do. Breathe deeply then pay attention.

Make inquiries. If necessary take notes. These conversations demonstrate their level of trust in you. Although they are difficult they are also gifts. For everyone they lessen the fear of the future.

Just in Case is the name of the folder my parents keep on their desk. It contains their bank account numbers insurance information will and notes regarding their funeral preferences. Its their dead folder my dad jokes which makes my mom scoff. Still Im happy they made it. It will be easier for me to know what they wanted when the time comes.

Now while your parents are still able to express their opinions have these discussions. For them it may be the most mature thing you have ever done. when the roles begin to change. I helped my dad learn how to use his new phone last week. At the kitchen table the man who once helped me tie my shoes sat with a focused expression on his face while I demonstrated how to text him.

Dad hit this button. Not that one. Heres this one. He appeared completely lost but when he got it right he was ecstatic. Since he had been my teacher for so long it felt odd to be the one teaching.

As our parents get older their roles begin to change. You might end up assisting with things they used to do for you. traveling to the doctor with them. Making a call to remind them to take their medication. giving them grocery shopping assistance.

Slowly your bond is changing with each little shift. Both parties may find this role swap strange. Your mother might not want her child to give her instructions. Its possible that your dad despises asking for assistance with basic chores. Take it slow.

Permit them to retain their pride. Rather than taking over ask Can I help with that? . Look for ways they can still assist you even if its in tiny ways. Everyone wants to feel valuable.

Because of her poor vision my mom is no longer able to drive at night. Despite this she continues to produce the best apple pie in three states. She therefore brings a pie to her friends house for dinner when I drive her there. She helps in one way and I help in the other. Both of us feel essential.

You cant sleep at night because of guilt. I ought to go more often. I should make more calls. . I ought to assist more.

. When you should be sleeping these thoughts can keep you up at night. Parental aging guilt is severe and genuine. Your own life includes bills stress work and children. You cant always be there for your parents.

The guilt however continues to grow despite this knowledge. Take care of yourself. Youre making the most of your time and effort. You were brought up to lead your own life by your parents. They wish for you to lead a fulfilling life.

Find a middle ground that allows you to meet your needs and be there for them. If it helps schedule a call. You call home on Sunday nights at seven oclock. Like all important tasks put it on your calendar. When you can make a visit and give it your all.

Put your phone down. Find out about their day. Show them you understand their preferences by bringing them little treats. Our parents live in one state and my sister lives in another. She regretted that she couldnt be there to assist with daily tasks.

As a result she organized for meal kits to be delivered to their home twice a week. Simple cooking instructions for fresh food. Dad claims that it gives him the impression of a TV chef. Once she discovered this method of helping from a distance her guilt somewhat subsided. With what you have and where you are do what you can.

And even if you are unable to be physically present know that your love is important. What You Begin to Observe. Have you ever noticed how an elderly persons skin appears to be thin paper or how their veins appear blue through their hands or how they sleep in little snatches during the day just like infants? As your parents get older you begin to notice these minor indications of the passage of time. My father stores his medications in a box with tiny markings for each day.

Fearful of taking the same pill twice he checks it numerous times. Notes that my mom writes to herself are posted throughout the house. Take out the chicken to thaw it. Dial Dr. Dot Smith.

Book club is scheduled for Thursday. They no longer retain information in their minds as well as they once did. Also keep an eye out for the bigger changes. They may need more help than they want to acknowledge if they forget to pay their bills get lost on roads theyve known for years notice that the house isnt as clean as it used to be or notice that the food in their refrigerator goes bad. Try not to give them the impression that you are watching them but keep your eyes open.

Feeling like a child being checked on is something that no one wants. Determine the boundary between awareness and pushiness. Whenever her mother visited my friend Sarah noticed that she always wore the same outfit. It turns out that her mothers arms were too weak to remove clothing from her closets high rack. For one weekend Sarah assisted with moving the clothing to the lower shelves.

A little solution that makes a big difference. Time spent together is a gift. I asked my mother what she would like as a gift on her 70th birthday. Time she said. Time with you kids is what I want.

Therefore we kids got her a large wall calendar in place of more unnecessary items. When we planned to visit call or take her out we each wrote our names. Plans to spend time together occupied the entire year. As your parents age the most valuable gift you can give them is time. not in a hurry when you look at your watch and consider all that needs to be done.

In real time however. Slow down. the type where you converse about nothing in particular while sitting on the porch. Or like you did when you were ten play cards at the kitchen table. They are not going to stay here forever.

When you allow it to this harsh reality settles into your chest. Every call and visit could be one of a predetermined number remaining. The exact number is unknown. We simply understand that it isnt infinite. I go fishing with my dad once a month.

Most of the time we just sit by the lake with poles in the water and talk a little. On his most recent trip he declared These are the best days. . I understood his meaning exactly. doing something easy that we both enjoy while being close to one another.

When he is no longer with me I will cherish these peaceful moments. Now schedule some time. Not when the kids are older or the work slows down next month or year. Right now. The one thing that cannot be recovered once it has been used up is time.

The Fear They Dont Express Aloud. Last spring my mom got hurt. Before she could reach her phone she lay on the floor for two hours while she was by herself in the house. She kept it a secret from me. A few weeks later her next-door neighbor told me.

I asked her Why didnt you tell me? . I didnt want you to worry she stated. However I knew the true cause. She was afraid I would believe she was no longer able to live alone.

Our parents dont talk to us about their fears. The fear of losing their liberty. Not wanting to be a burden. dread of being placed in a household. Fear of solitude.

long-term fear of getting sick. The fear of passing away. Make an effort to allow them to express these anxieties. Tell them that you wont take over their lives or try to fix everything at once. Just pay attention.

Ask them to hold your hand if they agree. Let them know you wont be leaving. My dad likes to respond Well cross that bridge when we come to it when I inquire about the possible outcomes. He doesnt want to look at the bridges from a distance even though he knows they exist. Be the confidante they can confide in when facing difficult situations.

As is their right be aware that some people are afraid to share their worries. The little pleasures that add up. Last week my mom had her hair done. She kept touching her new cut and staring into the car mirror when I picked her up from the salon. She asked Do I look nice?

. Her entire face brightened when I said yes. . Even little pleasures can have greater meanings as we get older. An excellent meal.

a day with sun. One of my friends called. An updated hairstyle. These little things continue to bring your parents joy. Encourage them to enjoy more of these pleasant times.

Bring them to the theatre. Bring a new book written by their favorite author. Help them connect with the grandchildren via FaceTime. Plant flowers in their window line. Together prepare their favorite dish.

Joy is found in tiny amounts much like gold in a river. My father adores vintage western films. I located a box set of John Wayne movies and arranged them on the large screen for him to view. It may seem insignificant but he talks about those films as though they were the greatest present he had ever received. Find ways to make their days more bright.

Youll notice that your own heart is lighter as well. The need to continue feeling valuable. My mom said I made you some soup when I was sick with a cold last month. She brought a pot of chicken soup—the same kind she used to make when I was little—to my house in her vehicle. She didnt have to do this for me.

No matter where I went in town I could have ordered soup. She had to however do it. in order to feel like Mom. to experience utility. All of us need to feel important.

as though we give more than we receive. As we age this need often becomes stronger rather than disappears. Your parents still want to feel like they are there for you. as though they have knowledge and abilities to impart. Look for ways to allow them to assist you even if you are not in dire need.

Consult them for guidance. If they can still fix things let them. Consume the food they prepare. Express gratitude to them for teaching you valuable lessons that you still apply today. Last summer my father taught my son how to use tools.

Though he was aware of what he was doing his hands trembled a little. The lessons that Grandpa taught me are still mentioned by my son. My dad loved those times in the garage more than any present I could purchase. Assist your parents in maintaining their sense of direction. Both their hearts and health benefit from it.

When Its Hard to Help. Im fine on my own my dad said angrily when I asked if he wanted me to accompany him to his doctors appointment. He is not doing well. He has conflicting ideas about what the doctor says. He struggles to accept my assistance though because of his pride.

Helping others can be as difficult as asking for it. Your parents might object. They may claim not to need what you can clearly see they do. Being weak feels wrong because they have been the strong ones for so long. Take it slow.

You shouldnt try to fix ten things at once. Take care of the little things first. Small gestures that dont feel like youre taking over like Im going to the store anyway can I pick up your bread and milk? or Im scheduling my own doctors appointment should I make yours for the same day? .

My mother forbids me from cleaning her entire home. However because she is unable to reach the rod to remove her curtains she will allow me to wash them. The thing she knows she cant do is where I start. With patience and faith the rest will come. On the important safety issues be firm.

It may be necessary for you to take the keys if they are genuinely incapable of driving safely. If they have trouble taking their medications you may need to put in place a system. Meet them where they are though for the others. Letting them make the decision is a gift. My mother told me Until I die I want to stay in my house.

. She is unable to climb the stairs in her home. It has a yard that she is currently unable to maintain. Moving to a facility that assists the elderly would make things easier for me. But her life not mine is at stake.

As we assist elderly parents we may make the mistake of assuming we know best. We might encourage them to make the decision that seems the most sensible to us. However taking away their freedom of choice means taking away a part of who they are. As long as your parents are able to make wise decisions let them have a say in their lives. Give them the freedom to choose their living arrangements financial plans and leisure activities.

Only intervene when their decisions actually put them in danger. Without consulting my grandmother my aunt transferred her to a nursing home. For months she didnt hear from Grandma. The manner in which the move was executed damaged their relationship even though it may have been necessary. Encourage your parents to consider their options.

Tell about your knowledge. But when you can give them the last say. They should continue to feel like they own their life. Youll wish you had asked these questions. The previous year I asked my dad Where did you meet Mom?

. He told me a story I had never heard before while grinning. About a 1965 dance. describing how he knew he had to meet her when he saw her across the room. About how he was so anxious to speak to her that he spilled his drink on his shoes.

Our parents have a lot of things we dont know. If we dont ask they might never think to tell us. their aspirations in their youth. their greatest anxieties. The most incredible day of their lives.

the worst. their greatest source of pride. What they wish they did but chose not to do. Now is the time to ask these questions. Not at once.

However in quiet times over time. Jot down what they tell you. When they are lost these stories are irreplaceable. My friend Mike never inquired about his fathers wartime service. He believed that when his dad felt more inclined to discuss difficult topics they would have more time.

However all those tales perished with his father when he passed away from a stroke. If Mike could go back and ask he would. Dont delay. Now is the time to begin conversations. Beyond simply being your parents get to know them.

We are more alike than we realize. The other day I found myself repeating what my dad had said. I asked my son Close the door were you born in a barn? . My dad used to tell me that all the time.

The sound of his words leaving my lips made me laugh. As we age we frequently discover that we resemble our parents more than we initially anticipated. We both crack the same jokes. Our concerns are similar. We keep the same vocabulary.

This can be humorous frightening or endearing but its almost always true. Its as if your parents are still with you when you see their smiles in the mirror or hear their laughter. When we begin to accept that they wont be here forever these little ways we carry them can be consoling. Like our mother my sister walks. It wasnt until I played a video of them together that she noticed.

Oh my gosh she uttered astonished to see how similar their movements were. She now adores their relationship. Examine how your parents manifest themselves in your identity. both the positive and some of the negative aspects. Everything is a part of the thread that connects you.

Developing the Ability to Set Boundaries. I need you to come over right now and help me find my glasses my mother sent over the phone. On a work night it was ten oclock. I knew that she probably had her glasses on top of her head where she always puts them before forgetting. I wanted to leave everything behind.

However I had to learn how to set boundaries. Mom I cant come anymore. I can assist you with your morning search. Her glasses werent a real emergency but she wasnt happy about them. Helping aging parents can take a lot from you.

Your time. Your energy. Your peace of mind. Its okay—good even—to know where your limits are. You cant give from an empty cup.

Decide what you can really do. How often can you visit? What tasks can you help with? What will you need to get help for from others? Be clear about these limits with your parents and with yourself.

My sister and I made a list of what we could each do for our parents. I live closer so I do the doctor visits and grocery runs. She lives far but has more money so she pays for the yard work and house fixes. We each do what fits our life best. Setting limits isnt mean.

Its how you stay well enough to help for the long run. The Friends Who Get It (And Those Who Dont). Just put them in a home my friend said when I told her about my dads latest health scare. I knew she meant well but she didnt get it. My dad would wither away in a home.

He needs his space his things his life as he knows it. Some friends will get what youre going through with aging parents. Others wont. Some will offer real help—sitting with your mom while you run out bringing a meal when times are hard just listening when you need to vent. Others will give quick answers that miss the point.

Find your people. The ones who get the mix of love and stress and fear and hope that comes with caring for aging parents. The ones who can hear your hard feelings without trying to fix them. My friend Toms mom has the same health problems my mom does. When I talk to Tom I dont have to explain the fear or the guilt or the tired.

He knows. Just having someone who knows helps me get through the hard days. You might need to educate some friends about what helps and what doesnt. I dont need advice right now. I just need you to listen is a fair thing to say to someone who cares about you.

The Sibling Dance: When You Dont Agree. Dad needs to stop driving I told my sister last month. No hes fine. You worry too much she shot back. We had the same facts but saw them in different ways.

I saw an 80-year-old man whose eyes and ears dont work as well as they once did. She saw our dad who has driven since he was 16 and has never had a bad crash. When you have brothers and sisters you wont always agree on what your parents need. You might clash over big choices and small ones. Who should do what tasks.

How much help they need. Where they should live. How to pay for care. When to step in and when to hang back. Try to hear each other out.

Share what you see not just what you think should happen. Look for the common ground—you both love your parents and want whats best. In my family we had to learn to talk more. To share what we each saw when we spent time with our parents. To admit our own fears and limits.

Its not always smooth but were better than we used to be. A family meeting can help. Set a time to talk about your parents needs. Make a list of tasks and who will do them. Put it in writing so no one can say later But I thought you were going to handle that.

. The Mixed Blessing of Technology. I cant get this thing to work! my dad yelled tapping too hard on his iPad screen. He was trying to FaceTime with my son but he had the wrong app open.

I wish Id been there to help him but I was three hours away. Tech can be a mixed blessing for older folks. It can help them stay in touch see far-off places keep track of pills watch shows they like and order what they need. But it can also be hard to learn quick to change and so darn small to see and touch with hands that dont work like they used to. Help your parents find the tech that works for them.

Look for simple tools with big buttons and clear steps. Set things up before you leave so they can just press one button to make them work. Write down the steps for tasks they do often. My mom loves her smart speaker. She doesnt have to see it or press tiny buttons.

She just says what she wants and it plays her music or tells her the news or calls me. Its a tech win in a world of tech fails for her. But know that not all tech helps. My grandma got a fancy new TV that needs three remotes to work right. She cant watch her shows now unless someone is there to help her.

The new tech made her life worse not better. The Search for Good Help. I dont want some stranger in my house my dad said when we first talked about home health aides. I get it. No one wants to need that kind of help.

But there came a point when he needed more help than our family could give alone. At some point you might need to find outside help for your parents. A nurse who comes to the house. A helper who cleans and cooks. A driver who takes them to the store.

A place where they can live with care right down the hall. Finding good help is one of the hardest parts of this journey. Ask other people who they use and like. Talk to your parents doctor about what kind of help would be best. Check online reviews.

Most of all meet the helpers in person before they start. Trust your gut about who feels right for your family. We got lucky. My dads aide Mark is the best. He not only helps with the daily stuff but has become a real friend to my dad.

They share bad jokes and watch sports. My dad now says Whens Mark coming? instead of fighting the help. If the first helper doesnt work out try again. Keep looking until you find the right fit.

Your parents need to feel safe and cared for by those who help them. The Weight of Money Talk. I cant go to the doctor. It costs too much my mom said last year when her foot hurt so bad she couldnt walk well. It broke my heart.

She was in pain but feared the cost more than the hurt. Money talks get more complex as parents age. They might be on a fixed income that doesnt stretch far enough. They might need help they cant pay for. They might worry about spending the money they hoped to leave to their kids.

Have these talks early if you can. What money do they have? What costs do they face? What help can you give if any? What aid might they get from the state or from groups that help older folks?

In our family my parents didnt want to talk about money. It was not polite to ask about such things. But when my mom put off going to the doctor due to money fears we had to push past the awkward. We found out she could get help with medical bills that she didnt know about. Money talks are hard.

But not talking leads to worse problems down the road. The Grief That Comes in Waves. Grief isnt just for after someone dies. We grieve in bits and pieces as our parents age. We grieve for the strong mom who cant pick up her grandchild now.

For the sharp-minded dad who now asks the same question ten times in an hour. For the life thats changed for all of us. This grief hits you when you least expect it. When you see an old man at the store who looks like your dad did ten years ago. When you find a note from your mom in her neat writing thats now shaky.

When you hear a song she used to sing to you. Let yourself feel this grief. Dont push it down or brush it off. Its real and fair. The parents you knew are changing.

The life you had with them shifts. Its okay to feel sad about this change even as you still have them with you. I cried in my car last week after I left my parents house. My mom didnt know what year it was. She looked at me with scared eyes when I tried to tell her.

I mourned for the mom who once knew all the answers. And I sat with that grief until I could drive home. Grief comes in waves. Let them wash through you and then keep going. The Need for Your Own Care.

I think Im sick I told my wife last month. Id been so busy caring for my parents that I missed signs of my own health slipping. My blood pressure was up. Id gained weight. I wasnt sleeping well.

I was giving so much to my parents that I had little left for myself. Caregiver burnout is real. When you spend so much time looking after your parents you can forget to look after yourself. Your own health—body and mind—can take a hit. Find small ways to fill your cup.

A walk in the fresh air. A hot bath. A book that takes you away from daily life for a bit. A meal with friends where you dont talk about parent stuff. These small breaks can help you stay well for the long road ahead.

Ask for help when you need it. From siblings. From friends. From groups that help caregivers. You might be the main helper for your parents but you dont have to be the only one.

Share the load when you can. I found a support group that meets once a month. Just knowing other people face the same hard stuff helps me feel less alone in this. The Beauty in Broken Things. My dads hands shake now.

Theyre marked with age spots and bent a bit from arthritis. But when he holds my sons small hand in his its one of the most beautiful things Ive ever seen. His old hand my sons new one. Life going on. Theres a kind of beauty in the wear and tear of age.

In the lines that mark a face that has smiled and cried and lived. In the slow way an old person tells a story theyve told a hundred times. In the care an aging parent still tries to give their grown child. Look for these moments of grace. They hide in the hard days.

They pop up when you least expect them but need them most. My mom cant cook a full meal anymore. But she still makes the best pie crust Ive ever tasted. When she taught my daughter how to roll it out just right three ages stood at the kitchen counter. Grandma mom child.

All linked by a simple act of making food together. These golden threads that run through the years are worth more than we can say. The Last Word. My friends mom died last year. At the end she couldnt talk much.

But she held his hand and said Good boy. Love you. Those were her last words to him. He says hell carry them forever. We dont know what the last words with our parents will be.

We hope theyre years away. But theyll come as they do for everyone. The last talk. The last hug. The last chance to say what needs to be said.

Dont wait for these last moments to say the big things. Say them now while your parents can hear them fully. Thank them for what they gave you. Tell them you love them. Share what they taught you that still helps you each day.

Forgive old hurts if you can. Ask for their stories one more time. My dad and I clash sometimes. Hes stubborn. (So am I if Im honest.

) But I make sure to end each visit or call with Love you Dad. Even when Im mad. Even when hes being hard to help. Just in case these are the last words he hears from me. Your parents wont be here forever.

This truth hurts. But it also makes each day you still have with them more dear. Hold these days gently. Let the hard parts wash away and keep the good ones close. Your turn to be their rock has come.

You can do this hard good thing. And one day if youre lucky your own kids will do the same for you. Did your heart skip a beat when you saw the title of this post?

Good.

That means youre awake to the most basic truth we all face—our parents wont live forever and neither will we.

Now go call your mom.

I needed to keep some space for my own life.

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