Just Work More - You'll See Results: How to deal with aging parents emotionally?

Last night your mother fell. Your father has lost his keys. For the third time this week your stepmother has neglected to take her medications. You are the one who can help your parents. What comes next?

How to deal with aging parents emotionally?

We believe we are ready. We remind ourselves that we have prepared for this. However nothing really gets us ready for the moment when we start to see how much we depend on our parents. It was Tuesday when I received my call. In the restroom Mom had fallen.

Thankfully she had no broken bones but she was unable to stand. She lay there for two hours before someone in the neighborhood heard her cries for assistance. She appeared smaller than ever when I arrived at the hospital. She had paper-thin skin and hazy pain-killed eyes. She kept saying Im fine but we could both tell that something had changed.

They had begun to switch roles. Perhaps you havent received your call yet. Perhaps youre already in the middle of it. In any case this new chapter is filled with emotions that no one is willing to discuss such as grief for a surviving loved one anger that makes you despise yourself and guilt that consumes you at three in the morning. If you allow it its weight has the power to crush you.

The Emotions Nobody Discusses. Lets be truthful. Providing care for elderly parents can evoke emotions that make us feel like bad people. If you have had any of these thoughts you are not alone. I hope this is over.

. Im at my breaking point. . . .

I feel as though Im dying. . . . Why wont they listen to me?

. I am extremely exhausted. . Although I adore them I dont like them at the moment. .

. These are things we dont say aloud. We believe that we are the only ones who have this sentiment. We arent. When Sara from my support group told us how she became angry with her dad for phoning her five times in a single hour over the same issue she broke down in tears.

When she said I feel like such a monster. He is powerless to stop his memory issues. . John acknowledged that in order to have a few minutes alone he occasionally spends an additional twenty minutes in his car before entering his mothers home. Lisa acknowledged having had dreams in which her dementia-stricken mother simply disappeared and upon waking up she experienced a mixture of relief and overwhelming guilt.

You are not a bad person because of these feelings. They endow you with humanity. Most people dont fully comprehend the difficulties of caregiving until they have experienced it themselves. The switchs beginning. At first it occurs in tiny ways.

You are asked to read the fine print on Dads medication bottle. Help setting up her new phone is what Mom wants. Your stepdad needs transportation to a medical appointment. minor details but they add up. You then discover one day that your mothers home isnt as tidy as it once was.

Plants are perishing. There is an accumulation of mail. Food in the refrigerator has gone bad. You begin to get anxious. Perhaps a stroke a fall or a diagnosis occurs quickly.

Suddenly you are responsible for your parents finances medications and personal hygiene routines—things you never imagined you would need to know. In either case the switch has begun. You must now look after the people who used to look after you. And you dont get a handbook for this. All of the things weight.

Being a caregiver involves more than just taking on duties. You adopt a concern. Never-ending concern. When the phone rings youre concerned. When it doesnt you get anxious.

Youre afraid theyll tumble. Youre concerned that theyre not eating. Youre concerned about their loneliness. You fear theyre hurting. You fear that you arent doing enough.

You fear youre limited. In the evening the concern rests on your chest. It comes with you to work. It comes up when youre having fun with your friends or children. It never really disappears.

In addition to the anxiety there is the mental burden of the list of things you have to remember. doctors appointments. medication and when to take it. To pay bills. forms to complete.

homes to be cleaned. purchase of food. Take care to organize. Money to handle. Giving care comes with a heavy mental burden.

It occupies mental space even when youre not considering it. It is a distraction. It causes you to lose sight of your personal life. Moreover there is the guilt. the feeling of guilt about not doing enough.

the shame of not being present enough. the guilt you occasionally wish you could escape. This is the grief that precedes loss. Nobody forewarns you that you will begin to miss your parents while they are still living. However you will.

You will miss the mom who was always able to say something and now asks the same questions over and over again. Youll be sad for the father who fixed everything who now requires assistance with jar opening. You will mourn the parents who once knew everything and now gaze at you in bewilderment. This grief strikes at strange times. when your father asks you the same thing ten minutes in a row.

when Mom requires assistance using the restroom. Your father who used to be sharp can no longer follow the plot of his favorite show. The grief is peculiar. Though some aspects of them are vanishing your parents are still here. Since they are still here you cannot completely grieve but you also cannot ignore the changes.

You thus inhabit this liminal space of sorrow. Its known as the long goodbye by my friend Tom. His mother suffers from Alzheimers. He said A little less of her is there every time I visit. .

Ive spent the last five years bidding her farewell in small doses. . when anger manifests itself. Nobody wants to acknowledge their anger toward their elderly parents. However anger is a typical aspect of this journey.

When Mom refuses to use her walker despite having fallen twice you become irate. When Dad refuses to let you assist him with his money even though bills are not being paid you become upset. You become irate when your stepmother refuses to think about relocating somewhere safer. When your parents disregard the advice you give them you become upset. You become upset with the healthcare system because it makes things so difficult.

When your siblings dont contribute enough you become irate. The anger you feel is directed at yourself. This anger does not imply a lack of love for them. It indicates that you care about things so much that they hurt when you cant make them better. It indicates that you are worn out and under stress.

It indicates your humanity. Avoiding losing control of your anger is the key. You can feel it yes. Dont act in a harmful way. when roles change.

The reversal of roles is one of the most difficult aspects. They turn into the child and you into the parent. But they arent kids and they dont always want your assistance. such as when you have to remove the car keys. or when you have to force them to take a test they dont want for medical reasons.

or when you must make decisions regarding their care that they object to. My friend Helen said to me I never imagined Id be telling my father when to shower. . It doesnt feel right. However he wont do it if I dont remind him.

. It doesnt feel natural to switch roles. It deviates from the pattern we have known our entire lives. It can be upsetting for both you and your parents. They believe they are losing control.

You believe you are going too far. To maintain their freedom they resist. You advance out of worry. No right steps its a difficult dance. Nobody wants to talk about money.

Then theres cash. Whoa the most difficult conversations are usually about money. We must know about your financial situation Mom. . Dad is it still possible to handle the bills?

. Are you the owner of a will? . What about power of attorney? .

If you require care how will we pay for it? . You may come across as nosy during these conversations. as though youre pursuing their money. Like youre preparing to kill them.

They may feel that way but none of that is accurate. Additionally what if you need to help but your own finances are limited? What if the care they require is more expensive than what they currently have? An already difficult situation is made worse by the financial stress. It gets messy in the family story.

Siblings add even more complexity to the family story. Old roles resurface. Old arguments come up again. Fights break out. The sister that was always the good one is now unable to assist on a daily basis due to her distance.

Now residing nearby the brother who was the problem child provides all of the direct care. Dad would want different things according to the stepsiblings. Everyone has a viewpoint. Not everyone lends a hand. According to my friend Jack My brother calls once a week to tell me what I should be doing for Mom.

. However it has been six months since his last visit. I feel like screaming at him. . .

Even in the most loving families providing care can cause conflict. It may be worse in households with a history of issues. The cost of your life. Your own life continues while you are busy taking care of your parents. And thats where the price begins to appear.

The strain is felt in your marriage. Your children also depend on you. Your work is not done. Your health suffers as a result. Your friendships wind down.

You put your plans on hold. Too often its your personal needs that must give. In order to take Mom to her doctors appointment you forego your own. To assist Dad with his taxes you miss your childs game. You spend your vacation days at the hospital rather than at the beach.

Over time the toll mounts. It wears you out. Extremely exhausted. Not just exhausted but bone-deep and soul-weary. This type of exhausted sleep is not remedial.

Finding Your Way Through. What do you do with all of this and how do you manage the weight without breaking? This is what Ive discovered. Get assistance. When someone offers assistance say yes.

Say yes. . Dont act like a hero. Tell them what they can do if they ask. Dont be vague.

Can you pick up Dads medications while youre at the store? Can you mow my lawn this week? Can you stay with Mom on Thursday while I go to my sons play? . Give up the idea that things should be done.

Its acceptable if your brother assists Mom in taking a shower or if he does it differently than you would. Its acceptable if the food your neighbor brings is different from what you would prepare. The assistance is more important than the method. Take part in a support group. Look for those who understand it.

Church groups hospital groups online groups or any other kind of group. Talking to people who can understand without your explanation is necessary. Mom called me 14 times yesterday I can say in my support group and everyone nods. They know. Im not required to give the complete picture.

It is also being lived by them. Support groups also provide you with advice and ideas that you wouldnt come up with on your own. More than any website my group taught me how to deal with Medicare. Establish boundaries. You are unable to do everything.

For your own health you must establish some boundaries. Perhaps its Unless theres an emergency I wont answer the phone after 9 PM. . . It could be I dont visit every day but I do so three times a week.

. . Perhaps its Siblings must take care of house repairs but Ill assist with meals and doctors appointments. . .

. The limitations you set will depend on your circumstances other responsibilities and your capacity. Setting boundaries and maintaining them guilt-free are crucial. Take care of your emotions. All of those negative emotions such as grief anger and guilt need a place to go.

Pushing them down will cause them to emerge in different ways. Keep a journal. Speak with a therapist. In your car cry. scream into a cushion.

Have a friend who wont pass judgment on you. Release your emotions so they dont consume you. pause. You need to take pauses. Definitely.

This is not self-centered. This is your motivation. Taking an hour to read a book could be a break. While someone else assists a day off could be considered a break. A weekend away could be considered a respite.

Take breaks as much as you can. While they wont make everything better they will give you the willpower to persevere. Look for little pleasures. Find small ways to be happy with your parents. If you look you can still see them.

The way that Moms favorite song still makes her smile. Dads tales about his early years. Your stepmothers laugh is still present. The way your dad continues to try to advise you. Take advantage of these opportunities.

They are significant. They serve as a reminder for why you are working so hard. Pay attention to the present. Try not to get too caught up in what used to be or whats coming next. Consider today.

What do you need today and what are your strengths? That was yesterday. Tomorrows not promised. Here you are today. Get as much done as you can today.

Hire experts to assist you. You dont have to figure this all out on your own. Some people have extensive knowledge of this path. social employees. Lawyers who practice elder law.

administrators of geriatric care. home health care services. hospice groups. financial advisors with an emphasis on elder care. These people can guide you.

They can point out options you didnt know about. They are able to alleviate some of your burdens. Be kind to yourself. You will make mistakes. You will lose your temper.

Things will be forgotten by you. There will be moments when you wish for a different life. Give yourself grace. This is difficult work. Nobody is flawless at it.

Youre making the most of the resources at your disposal. Its sufficient. That has to be enough. The End: What They Dont Tell You. This journey does in fact come to an end.

And when it happens you might experience an indescribable mixture of relief and grief. relief from the agony. Relief that the stress is done. Relief followed by guilt. Likewise this is typical.

You still love them despite the relief. It means the caregiving was hard and now that burden has lifted. I slept for what seemed like days following my mothers death. For the first time my body stopped worrying all the time. At last I stopped remembering to take my medications and make appointments.

I grieved deeply but there was also a sense of my own life returning to me. No one talks about this part. We ought to. Although its difficult youre not alone. This is one of the most difficult things you will ever do so keep that in mind if you are in this stage of life.

One of the most human too. Your feelings are not unique to you. Youre not a bad person for feeling them. All you are doing is attempting to take care of those who used to take care of you. Treat yourself with kindness.

Take the help. Have the emotions. Establish boundaries. Look for the happy moments. And know that somewhere out there many of us are walking this same path.

Were observing you. It makes sense. Were sending you strength. You will be transformed by the work of caring for elderly parents. Your heart will be broken and it will be rebuilt in a different way.

It will both test and educate you. You will be filled in new ways and emptied out. It wont leave you unaltered. But you will get through it. Day by day.

One thing at a time. One instant at a time. Youve got this. And on the days when you dont thats OK too. The Truth No One Wants to Say Out Loud.

Heres the truth thats hard to say: This might be the most loving thing you ever do. Not because its easy. Not because its fun. But because you show up. Because you care.

Because when its hard and you want to run you stay. The highest form of love isnt the easy love. Its the love that costs you something. The love that makes you tired. The love that asks you to put someone else first.

Thats the love youre giving now. It matters more than you know. Your parents may not be able to say thank you. They may not even know how much youre doing. But somewhere deep down they feel your love.

They know youre there. And one day when you look back on this time youll know you did a hard thing with love. That knowledge will stay with you. It will comfort you. It will be enough.

The Unexpected Gifts. In the middle of all this challenge there are hidden gifts. You might not see them now but theyre there:. The chance to know your parents as people not just parents. The stories they share that youve never heard before.

The strength you find that you didnt know you had. The deeper bond with siblings who share the load. The clear sense of what matters in life. These gifts dont make the hard parts go away. But theyre there alongside the hard adding something to your life that you couldnt get any other way.

The Call Is Coming. If youre not in this season yet know that the call is coming. Maybe not today. Maybe not for years. But its coming.

Now is the time to start the talks. The money talks. The wishes talks. The what-if talks. Have them while everyone is well.

Have them before you need to. Mom I want to make sure I know what you want if you ever need care. . Dad can we talk about your finances so I know how to help if you ever need it? .

Where are your important papers? Whos your doctor? What medicines do you take? . These talks feel awkward.

Have them anyway. Future you will thank you. For Those In The Middle. If youre in the thick of it right now breathe. Just breathe.

Youre doing holy work. Work that matters. Work that counts. Find your people. Take your breaks.

Feel your feelings. Set your limits. And know that the love youre giving now matters. Its seen. It counts.

Its enough. Youre enough. This is a hard road. But youre not walking it alone. For Those On The Other Side.

If youve been through this already you know what I mean when I say it changes you. You see the world differently now. You know what matters in a way you didnt before. Share your wisdom. Help those coming behind you on this path.

Tell them the truth about how hard it is. Tell them also about the gifts. Be the person you needed when you were in the thick of it. The Final Truth. Heres the thing about caring for aging parents: It will break your heart.

And it will fill your heart. Often at the same time. It will show you the depth of your love. It will show you the edges of your strength. It will reveal who you are when things get hard.

Its not a path anyone would choose. But its a path that shapes us in ways nothing else can. So if youre on this path right now know this: Youre doing sacred work. Work that matters. Work that counts.

One day at a time. One task at a time. One moment at a time. Youve got this. And on the days when you dont weve got you.

When You Look Back. Someday youll look back on this time. The days will have blurred together. The hardest moments might have faded a bit. What youll remember I think is the love.

The hand-holding. The small moments of connection. The way you showed up when it was hard. Thats the legacy of this time. Not that you did it perfectly.

Not that you did it without struggle. But that you did it. With love.

Thats enough.

That has always been enough.

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